For those who want to try my shoes

Think about the person you love the most. Think about the person with whom you had planned to live the rest of your life together. To have found that was very important for you because you think that man was not made to be alone and you were lucky enough to find the best, the one made for you. And you are sure of that because you would never settle for less just to avoid being alone.

Now think that you are put in a situation where your balanced, rational and strong mind wishes for this beloved person to be DEAD then to be ALIVE. Imagine -- You want your beloved one dead!! Does that make sense? Well, because being alive sometimes if feels like it's torture for him. But he's alive, thank God! And his presence is so strong, he breathes, yawns, does lots of stuff and I can swear that sometimes he can connect with me. Maybe miracles exist. Well, maybe this is what your heart thinks, but you know that he's really not there. Is he??? And to think that some people in this situation can live like this for more than 10 years! etc -- The thoughts change so fast, and for each one of the "scenarios" there's a wave of feelings that go through your heart and mind and I just tried to ilustrate an example of that. Don't forget that the life you planned with this person has just started.

And many times, when you can't find a way to run away from these thoughts, they overflow your mind and almost make you crazy and then you burst into tears, cause you don't even know who you are anymore, cause you don't know what to think, what to do or what to decide and you know that what you think, do and decide defines you. And at this same exact moment, you have nobody else you love and trust to give you a hug and help you going through this moment.

This is me right now (2am Monday, Aug 24th), I know a ton of people that I'm sure would want to be here right beside me, but they are far, so now I talk to my blog.

This is just a little part of the world inside my head, but it's a good begining for those who try to understand what I'm going through. I'm still simmering in my mind a way to explain the whole picture, stay tuned.

Travelling plans

Exciting! I love when I go to the city I used to live before our wedding. First of all because I have lots of friends there and I get to see many of them again. Second, because being there with them and seeing familiar places gives me a sensation that I "belong" somewhere, although I'm fully aware that I don't belong there anymore. It's hard to explain, but it is indeed a good pause.

So, it's that time again. I didn't get my ticket yet, but I'd like to use the blog to communicate that I'll be there for sure from Sep 14th till the 24th. I'll try to come earlier and make my stay a little longer, but still haven't decided. I'd love to meet all of you, so, please, let me know if/how/when we are going to meet. Can't wait!

It's his birthday

Yeah, very bittersweet feeling since this would be the first one we would be physically together. We always treated each other fun and creative gifts to compensate for the distance, but it can never be compared with a real celebration. So I kept thinking the whole day what would we be doing to celebrate, if the accident never happened. More torture!

Epilepsy medication confirmed

Last week I talked to my husband's doctor about the bad episode he had, described in a previous post. He was on vacation at the time and the substitute doctor decided to start him in a medication that treats epilepsy. She explained to me that the majority of people who have brain injuries of any level end up taking this type of medication. And she thinks, by what she saw and what she read in his latest ct-scan and EEG exams, that he has a tendency to have epileptic crisis and that episode was, in fact, one of them.

I didn't post this before because I was waiting for his doctor to come back and to confirm that he agrees with the substitute doctor and that he will continue this prescription. So, it's confirmed that from now on this medication was added to his daily life. In the begining he was sleeping a lot and veeeery relaxed, and now he seems better. They say it takes some time to adjust. Now let's just hope they are right and he won't have such a uncomfortable episode again, cause it's just awful to see him uncomfortable and not be able to know exactly what he is feeling/going through and no be able to do anything.

The brain, again

It's been almost a week that my laptop broke. All of a sudden, it just wouldn't start. And I am so dependent on the internet to find everything, that I had the yellow pages right in front of me and, still, I took some time to figure out how I would deal with this. Duh! I found the shop that accepts my Apple care warranty and they fixed it. They could not pinpoint exactly which component broke, so they changed the whole mother board of the computer.

For those not familiar to the term, the mother board is pretty much where the brain of the computer is, among with other stuff. And just like that (ordering a new mother board and installing it), my computer has a totally new brain. I didn't lose any data, it's all here. If only I could find some crazy research doctor that could do the same with my love...*sigh*... grow a new brain on him and still keep his "data". Brain, brain, brain...why does it have to be so mysterious? Why does it have to be THE thing on us? Why does it have to make such a big mess when it's touched?

Anyway, I'm glad to have my connection to the world back. With the laptop, I can talk to all my family and friends from all over the world with them paying a local telephone call, or I can use Skype to see them. And this is priceless, given that I'm a strange world here. Lots of love from my husband's family and the very few people I met here, but never the same as the love that comes from home.