For those who want to try my shoes

Think about the person you love the most. Think about the person with whom you had planned to live the rest of your life together. To have found that was very important for you because you think that man was not made to be alone and you were lucky enough to find the best, the one made for you. And you are sure of that because you would never settle for less just to avoid being alone.

Now think that you are put in a situation where your balanced, rational and strong mind wishes for this beloved person to be DEAD then to be ALIVE. Imagine -- You want your beloved one dead!! Does that make sense? Well, because being alive sometimes if feels like it's torture for him. But he's alive, thank God! And his presence is so strong, he breathes, yawns, does lots of stuff and I can swear that sometimes he can connect with me. Maybe miracles exist. Well, maybe this is what your heart thinks, but you know that he's really not there. Is he??? And to think that some people in this situation can live like this for more than 10 years! etc -- The thoughts change so fast, and for each one of the "scenarios" there's a wave of feelings that go through your heart and mind and I just tried to ilustrate an example of that. Don't forget that the life you planned with this person has just started.

And many times, when you can't find a way to run away from these thoughts, they overflow your mind and almost make you crazy and then you burst into tears, cause you don't even know who you are anymore, cause you don't know what to think, what to do or what to decide and you know that what you think, do and decide defines you. And at this same exact moment, you have nobody else you love and trust to give you a hug and help you going through this moment.

This is me right now (2am Monday, Aug 24th), I know a ton of people that I'm sure would want to be here right beside me, but they are far, so now I talk to my blog.

This is just a little part of the world inside my head, but it's a good begining for those who try to understand what I'm going through. I'm still simmering in my mind a way to explain the whole picture, stay tuned.