So, since I came back from vacation I've been struggling to come up with more posts to write about. I still feel the same sadness, I still can't believe this happened, and the worst, my husband is still in a coma with NO chance of ever waking up. My mind is not capable anymore of being empty, I'm always thinking about it, about our life before, and about what will happen with him and with me. I'm still lost and I will always be lost in this world without him.
But it's true that, even not making any effort for this, little by little I started allowing myself to enjoy little moments of happiness. I am sure (although my friends say it's stupid to say this) that I will never be the same, and the sadness of losing my husband with tons of dreams on our hands will always be greater than anything good that might happen in the future. Fortunately, when I'm enjoying these moments, it can happen that I forget about everything. One good example is when I am playing games with my Godson. He is 8 years old, so innocent, and he is capable of absorbing all of my concentration to him and we have tons of fun.
So, in order to celebrate these little good things, and also in honor of all the efforts of my friends and family to see me better, I will stop writing on this blog, to write on another blog that will show this other side of my new life. I will give (the good) news about myself and also write about stuff that I like.
Let me take the opportunity and thank God for the blessed people that showed up to help me!
I am grateful for the ones who have patience to let me talk about my pain and I hope I can still count on them.
See you in http://tapioca.carolinacarneiro.com/ !!
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Vacation...and yet another anniversary
Today it's been one year that my husband's accident happened. At around 10pm it will be an exact year that I saw him fall in a coma in my arms and never talk or look at me again.This date only serves to show me how long I've been living without his hug. Oh, I miss so much talking to him or feeling him. It hurts so much that sometimes I get confused if this is really happening. Still this is very surreal for me and I'm stuck not accepting it happened. I just DON'T WANT to be in my side of this tragedy.
Although this is the anniversary, unfortunately it is not the only time I remember of it. Ever since this day, last year, every single day I go to sleep and I wake up with flashes of scenes of this day at the hospital. It's horrible and I wish there were some kind of lobotomy that could be done in me to forget all this.
Fortunately, I've decided that I should spend this day and some more time with my family. So I've travelled to my country to meet all them, and also my so loved friends. It's not as easy as everyone seems to think it is. I'm not spending the whole day in a hospital with tons of people with alzheimer and other problems. This time, I'm among people that have their lives moving on and I feel sometimes misplaced. I don't know what to be, what to feel! So, I'm trying to organize my feelings about all this. But even having to go through all this "adaptation", it's been good to be here and I will try to enjoy as much as I can, before I go back.
Sorry I didn't have time to think through how I would write this. There's tons of things in my mind and they are all disorganized, so it's hard to summarize for you in a short post. But this is it. Please, send some good vibes for my love today. Thanks!
Although this is the anniversary, unfortunately it is not the only time I remember of it. Ever since this day, last year, every single day I go to sleep and I wake up with flashes of scenes of this day at the hospital. It's horrible and I wish there were some kind of lobotomy that could be done in me to forget all this.
Fortunately, I've decided that I should spend this day and some more time with my family. So I've travelled to my country to meet all them, and also my so loved friends. It's not as easy as everyone seems to think it is. I'm not spending the whole day in a hospital with tons of people with alzheimer and other problems. This time, I'm among people that have their lives moving on and I feel sometimes misplaced. I don't know what to be, what to feel! So, I'm trying to organize my feelings about all this. But even having to go through all this "adaptation", it's been good to be here and I will try to enjoy as much as I can, before I go back.
Sorry I didn't have time to think through how I would write this. There's tons of things in my mind and they are all disorganized, so it's hard to summarize for you in a short post. But this is it. Please, send some good vibes for my love today. Thanks!
Monday, November 30, 2009
And finally...
I have no words for today. So I'm copying the post I put in my wedding blog, the day after the wedding.
"What can I say for those who didn't come?
Hmmmmmm, it was perfect, more perfect than any bridezilla can wish!!!!"
But I will never forget the voice of my 7 year-old Godson in a voice message yesterday. While his mother was leaving me a message, he was reminding her to tell me "Happy Anniversary". He sounded a bit sad, innocent, maybe confused, but still he didn't want to leave me alone, just like all the people that contacted me today, somehow. Thank you!
"What can I say for those who didn't come?
Hmmmmmm, it was perfect, more perfect than any bridezilla can wish!!!!"
But I will never forget the voice of my 7 year-old Godson in a voice message yesterday. While his mother was leaving me a message, he was reminding her to tell me "Happy Anniversary". He sounded a bit sad, innocent, maybe confused, but still he didn't want to leave me alone, just like all the people that contacted me today, somehow. Thank you!
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Happiness remembered III
A year ago on this date, we had a big party!!! My husband-to-be have already arrived and we went to my favorite jewelry store for us to buy our wedding bands. Then we spent the following days receiving all the guests that came from abroad. And today, one of my best friends decided to prepare a lavish typical dish for all the "tourists". It was great to see my friends from my country meet my friends from where I was living and also my husband's family. All together, we spent a beautiful sunny day talking in three different languages, eating, drinking and the kids had lots of fun at the swimming pool. All our three flower girls were there and I was being revered by them as I was the queen of the block! I arrived home to sleep my last night as a single girl. I was looking forward to spend the rest of my life with my polar bear, who would keep me warm at night during winter in his veeery cold country. And he was looking forward to sleep next to my cold feet, to keep him fresh.
At this point, I am very sad to see such happy days of my life turn into the saddest. But I'd like to thank very much all my friends that are calling me to give support. I would prefer to remember all this with them in a more cheerful way, if we hadn't had the accident. But I'm glad that they are still here with me. Thank you!
At this point, I am very sad to see such happy days of my life turn into the saddest. But I'd like to thank very much all my friends that are calling me to give support. I would prefer to remember all this with them in a more cheerful way, if we hadn't had the accident. But I'm glad that they are still here with me. Thank you!
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Happiness remembered II
A year ago this date I was trying my custom-made wedding dress for the first time. That means I had already left the place I was living and I travelled to my country, where the wedding took place. Beautiful, simple and elegant. I never wanted it to look like a queen-type gown. I'm not a queen. I just wanted to look elegant. And comfortable! Never like these brides that can't move at the biggest party they will ever be able to throw, right?
Honestly, I wanted to have fun through and enjoy everything I could about all this, but I couldn't wait to start my life with him. A lot of people think so much about their wedding day that they forget to think about their marriage. I guess that's why so many couples end up separating.
This day I also had a very fun bridal party, where the gifts were all nice and sexy lingerie. Not stuff for the kitchen. A bunch of friends that I know since I was 6 years old came in and I had not seen them for the longest time. All these good memories, I have no idea if I'm happy or sad to have them, this is all so surreal to me still. It's like I don't even know what to feel, so I don't cry nor I smile.
Honestly, I wanted to have fun through and enjoy everything I could about all this, but I couldn't wait to start my life with him. A lot of people think so much about their wedding day that they forget to think about their marriage. I guess that's why so many couples end up separating.
This day I also had a very fun bridal party, where the gifts were all nice and sexy lingerie. Not stuff for the kitchen. A bunch of friends that I know since I was 6 years old came in and I had not seen them for the longest time. All these good memories, I have no idea if I'm happy or sad to have them, this is all so surreal to me still. It's like I don't even know what to feel, so I don't cry nor I smile.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Happiness remembered
A year ago, on this date, I was preparing for my last day at work. A job I really liked, but it was part of my "life project" to move to my husband's country. My boss lured me to a surprise "go away/wedding" party with lots of very dear colleagues and wedding gifts. I was happy I can't even describe. My "life project" started getting more and more concrete. At this point, I was living at a friend's house, cause I had sold my condo 4 months earlier. That was another huge milestone towards my life with him.
If only I could go back in time!
If only I could go back in time!
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Spooky news on a spooky day
It's been a while now that I have decided this. I waited till I had a conversation with the family and best friends of my husband about my decision before I posted this here. The bad episode my husband had in June, when I was far and the doctor called me thinking he was going to have a heart attack, served as some kind of training of what would I do if it happened again. Thank God nothing happened that day, but it was good in the sense that I was able to organize my ideas after going through that.
The doctors now have an order to let my husband go if he has a major complication. They are still obliged to call me and ask to confirm that I want to refuse treatment. In this case, they will assist for him to not suffer before he dies. Of course that all minor problems are being taken care of. Major complications can include a big heart problem, pulmonary embolism or pneumonia. All of these very unlikely to happen any time soon, given his state of health before the accident, his age and the very good hospital he is at.
I'd like to emphasize that refusing treatment is very different than euthanasia. In his case, euthanasia would consist of cutting his food and drink and basically watch him die of thirst and hunger. And this can take up to 2 weeks! The level of electrolytes goes way down and provokes a heart attack. That's what I remember someone telling me a long time ago. But for me, this is provoking someone's death by hunger and I'm NOT prepared for that.
Some people approached me with the idea that what he's living now is not good, it's a torture and that maybe it would be a good idea to cut his feeding tube. It's easy to say when it's not THEM signing a paper that would provoke the death of a loved person and it's not THEM having to live with this decision for the rest of their lives. So, NO, I'm not going to stop feeding my husband, even if this means both of us living hell of earth. It's too hard and too conflicting in my mind.
By all means, this is a place for people to send comments and questions and if you want to debate, please, add your comment, I'm very opened to talk about this.
The doctors now have an order to let my husband go if he has a major complication. They are still obliged to call me and ask to confirm that I want to refuse treatment. In this case, they will assist for him to not suffer before he dies. Of course that all minor problems are being taken care of. Major complications can include a big heart problem, pulmonary embolism or pneumonia. All of these very unlikely to happen any time soon, given his state of health before the accident, his age and the very good hospital he is at.
I'd like to emphasize that refusing treatment is very different than euthanasia. In his case, euthanasia would consist of cutting his food and drink and basically watch him die of thirst and hunger. And this can take up to 2 weeks! The level of electrolytes goes way down and provokes a heart attack. That's what I remember someone telling me a long time ago. But for me, this is provoking someone's death by hunger and I'm NOT prepared for that.
Some people approached me with the idea that what he's living now is not good, it's a torture and that maybe it would be a good idea to cut his feeding tube. It's easy to say when it's not THEM signing a paper that would provoke the death of a loved person and it's not THEM having to live with this decision for the rest of their lives. So, NO, I'm not going to stop feeding my husband, even if this means both of us living hell of earth. It's too hard and too conflicting in my mind.
By all means, this is a place for people to send comments and questions and if you want to debate, please, add your comment, I'm very opened to talk about this.
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